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building freeze

my facade
built so painstakingly
with an iron self discipline
, unraveling
piece by piece

allows for each year
it more

admirers and lovers
order to maintain
more of sycophants
to mend the cracks

falls with each year
it harder for me
to renew it
decorate
maintain

and increasingly
I begin to think
they fall apart
let
world of my true self to show


because I believe
so bad it's not

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I thank you, nice .....

Sun third attempt .... ......

sit for about an hour there and try my thoughts ...... to bring the head down on paper but somehow I do not succeed .....

so I'll do it differently now .....

I just say thank you .........

a thank my family, who cared for me and I stop there ....

thank you dear "almost" son-in for the cook and enjoy .... Even if the middle of the night ...... I'm thinking of the wonderful schnitzerln after pete doherty concert ....

thank you dear ex, that you're still my best friend and immediately there when I need you .....

thank for that so many people around me are that I like and respect .....

thank all those who read my blog and give me the feeling that they are interested in what in my head is so going on .....

thank for me the people in my environment will still like it if they once got to know my negative side .....

a thank my colleagues rudi ........ who was right there when I had to fast times in the hospital, a few days ago ...... and my other colleagues, because it myself so accept as I am ....

jetjungs ...... thanks to my cheer me in my nights on the jet ...... and let me think I'd be much younger than it is on my birth certificate ....

thank you dear nachtdienst team from kh tulln ....... for the nurture and care ....

and a huge thank you to my daughter ...... which my likeness, and fortunately again ......... not out there for me ...... listen to me. ..... about me ...... and makes me through thick and thin is less clichéd words ...... ...... join in with me every fucking :-)

and now a mega big foot in my ass ...... I did this because sit and feel sorry for myself for no reason ......

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thought ......

people love me, I covet
because they see through me learn
through me perceive their needs
their dream
vitality related to change

and I stay back empty and lonely

but now and then crosses a
away
in mine I wish all my hopes and projecting
where I lose myself
I desire, dear
gives me food for my soul
but usually not for my heart

and back again I will stay empty and lonely

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short post - Finding of the day

memo about myself - stop it, you fall in love in male, have
too much of that that is lost to you, no matter how much
you long after ....

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End of story

So people. It has been decided. It was not my decision, I would really like & it differently, but I will not make the exchange year break, but. So I'm going to remove him from this blog ~ but not delete, I would not have the heart bringen. Ja, ich kann sagen: Mir geht es absolut schrecklich jetzt. Es liegt auch nicht am Land ~ nein das hätte ich wechseln können, sondern am Geld. Ich weiß nicht wieso es so plötzlich kommt, aber jetzt heißt es eben auf einmal: Nein, du kannst es nicht machen. Ich sehe das Ganze jetzt mit einem lächelnden (ich weiß, normalerweise heißt es lachendem, aber ganz so super geht es mir nicht) & mit einem weinenden Auge. Das weinende nimmt nur vor allem im Moment viel mehr Platz ein </3 Ich weiß nicht ob ich die Sache wieder vergesse, oder ob ich wie meine Mutter es vorgeschlagen hat ein Jahr später nach Asien gehen werde. Das werde ich dann wohl so ca im Mai entscheiden, when the application period begins. At most, it just breaks my heart that I can not count on my Culture shakers, because I simply do not belong with them. I have all so starting to love and now it says to me "Goodbye," which is so indescribably horrible. But for now I will just say that if you want to know if I'll do another ATJ, then look in the summer of 2011 again on my blog, then I will post again what. So then adios amigos ~ ~ Tschüssi ♥ I love you

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The first step into the void

Depressive title ~ Depressive mood. I do not know what to say about this big. Most have probably already in austauschschueler.de forum read, but to the ignorant: I put in there in a huge doubt phase. "Is the exchange year but somehow not too high for me?" ~ "If Venezuela is not too dangerous for me ~?" Do not I just the biggest mistake of my life?. "~ And yes, every single answer I answer myself with a" Yes "in my head I do not know what at one time going on, or where the whole thing, but it seems to me as I want it any more. This year, easy. The new experiences. It is as if I was just standing in front of the largest Scheme * ß to build the one at all only can imagine. Maybe I respond comes over me, and perhaps This all somehow suddenly, but I do not know really what I want and what I want. This is now also the mother no longer wants me to go to Venezuela, then the home interview hinhaut somehow not because we find no date on which all have time & & &. It's just too much at once. I do that right now no more. School year abroad, family, friends, prom, Christmas ~ I feel like the burst of sheer stuff buzzing around in my head. I love my German life, my friends and everything else that I have here. So what am I doing here anyway? WHY I do this? Yes, because it was my dream. And now I stand here and could cry now everything ;___: This may sound mega exaggerated, but that is how I feel now. Tomorrow is my mother call at AFS & clarify everything. Then decides how it goes with me and my year abroad .. And in which country I will go .. :. /

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bad

is my vacation from the bad ....... and plagues me some ....... ....... total due to counter-productive if there should be such a word ....... we can but laziness to say .....

I've done nothing of the things that I've made up my mind ..... my brain has disengaged on the first holiday ....... and now, a few hours before work begins, it begins to slowly bleed through again ......

not even my beloved facebook game I have fun ...... 'm

instead I've been staring for hours on the laptop and pointless ...... let time elapse sat watching TV and I've looked at buffy the vampire slayer ..... and it did shed tears when they spike has again beaten me, instead of kissing him ....... although, I shed tears when she kissed him but once he has ..... or an "i love you" added breathes .....

've finally yes I thought I would spend holidays mean it ........ not ....... but kissing vampire spank and clear ambiguities in front of me .... hinflüsternd

yes ..... that items such as food, clean up, go with the dog walk, I already hammer out ...... routinely done in the body all by itself ......

but I have not continued my story ....... I'm ready written cover letter not sent away ....... I do not have the e-mails written that I procrastinate for so long ..... ... my language courses completely negated ...... got no Christmas gifts crafted baked biscuits ......... no ......... have not taken my friends and can only hope that they forgive me and still have little patience with me ....... not have stopped feeling sorry for myself because the one I mean, does not love me ......... have not started again what my body for to do ........ have not eaten properly and instead swallowed fast food ....... have all failed firm, which I was invited ........ I've never slept properly .. ....


hmmm ..... when I read through so what I'm doing everything I see until I was really busy ....... if only do not .....

so but to a good holiday ......

and now excuse me .......... I have to do urviel

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COUNTRIES COMMITMENT

Oh my God I LOVE MY LIFE PEOPLE Yes today was one of those days where I did not expect the country to me an SMS Paula has written that today so many of AFS their countries did and lo and behold? I also got my back *-* It really was a crazy step for me in the I want-away-phase! I have so cried as I held the letter in his hand. I'm not even read to go into the house, but I've only just set on the steps. And when I started the words t "Venezuela" have read, I'm freaked out with joy \u0026lt;3 My heart is so absorbed because I was hoping the last weeks and days just so this country * -* It's the best thing I could have happened, I'm so sure! I'm excited when I first doubt again, but I just could continuously jump around! THANKS AFS, I love you! : D I am all the time with the words "YES YES YES YES MAN I AM GOD OR WHAT" (let bad habit of me so, I'm sorry,'s do not take it personally: D) ran through the house: D
and I hope Joan is not too bad, angry because they said has she will hate me if it is Venezuela, I'm sorry sweet: D ♥

my contract I send probably even this week as of yet. I'm so happy!

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finally a step change

At least I have something behind me now: Online Application.
Yes, I've finally sent off and I'm extremely relieved because of: 'D Now I'm lucky to still grant an extension for the list to get there, which is also very very good & that woman on the phone said it is very likely that I get the partial scholarship because my father would almost never pays maintenance, what I said in my tirade just got told. YES! Pure relief, even though I know the half so in a year if it worked really D:

I am currently in the before I-will-this-way-Phas e and I love that feeling! Even though I still do not know my country, I wait and wait and wait, bad, that's a not so good feeling again, but it'll come. I hope still to this week, please .. : D
Well, now I have more to say, because I will have to learn French. Tschüssi ♥ Ah, but

: The BT in Nuremberg was the hammer, the people were so fond *-* Thank you for the lovely afternoon Süssis

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"Melody of your Love" by Dsign Butterfly - 1 Layout

* And now here you see the beautiful "Melody of your Love" by Kit Butterfy Dsign - this time the preview: buy

you can order the kit at * * Digiscrapbooking.ch

and my layout with the kit:

Credits:
Kit "Melody of your Love" by Butterfly @ Dsign http://www.digiscrapbooking.ch/shop/index.php?main_page=index&manufacturers_id=71
Pic: by Leandi

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Recently, a beautiful new kit from Albina to buy, it says "Sweets for the little santa" and it looks like: can

buy their kit at the * Matrioshki Scrap Designs * .

and here you see my layout with it ...

Credits:
Kit "Sweets for the little santa" by Albina Design @ http://matrioshkiscrapdesigns.com/shop/Sweets-for-the-little-Santa-kit-by-Albina-Design.html
Pic: by Sandra * * Chelisa

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Butterfly Dsign CU also has new products in the shop. This time, CU Mix Pack 24 and 25 I'll show you just the previews: buy



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also you can buy both in one package ...

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some crazy hormone

hormone are stupid ........ or at least not

somehow they are quite useful ..... finally we can all push our hormone ......

if we are grumpy grumpy ....... ....... ...... if we do not want sex or what ..... if we constantly crying constantly ... . hinkichern or stupid in front of us ...... or all clean stuff continuously chocolate ....

hormone .... what else

my degree I go pretty annoying to go crazy ..... ........ and despite my constant dialogue with them, they can not settle down. ...

they insist ....... a man does not need her ..... but not any

he who finds me attractive ...... me and my subscribed by the time facial wrinkles known as ...... ....... ...... tentative kiss me because he already wanted to do all the time .....

not the one who rumfährt with me in the car to a quiet place ..... ...... there to cuddle with me ...... although I viiiiiieeeeeellllll 'm too old for him .....

would also brush up not the one I have long ...... so much to know and a good memory ..... for old times sake ....

.... no .... not all of which are

my hormones want to let me ....... I analyzed my error raises to the head ..... the one who tells me I babble too much to me ...... the most impossible All inquiries and then again for days ..... not the one who is sometimes very quiet and then just talks shit ..... the, warning of the many and I do not know what is dangerous about him ... ... the one who makes himself ridiculous myself in front of me and one day maybe also of other ......... the one who wears the pants off ...... and they do not want me .....

exactly they want to have

hormone are stupid